Promise Me Page 10

Each night, Mark had taken me on some sort of date—movies, dinner, and a hot-air balloon ride. They had been wonderful, thoughtful, and filled with off-the-charts, hot, wild monkey sex. Since I’d said I would try the relationship thing, it was more than sex at this point, but nevertheless, the sex had still been incredible. My mind had kept trying to reduce it to a fuck, but I’d known it was more.

  I had barely slept since I started trying to stay the night at Mark’s place. Needless to say, I was making progress at a turtle’s pace on the length of time I’d stayed there after going to bed. He must have been as exhausted as I was from my erratic behavior, but he never complained. Not feeling pressure from Mark helped and encouraged me to keep trying.

  I remembered back to how the movie date following the picnic had ended.

  We were pulling into the condo complex. He parked his truck outside my condo and turned my way.

  “Will you stay with me tonight? I’ll take you home the moment you ask to go home.”

  I took a deep breath. Last night, after the sunset picnic, I had barely made it into bed before I was asking to go home. “I’ll try, but it’ll probably end up like last night.”

  Mark put the truck in reverse and then pierced me with his green eyes. He stopped the truck again and grabbed my hand, forming a connection between us. He brought it to his lips. “Sam, stay as long as you feel comfortable. As of right now, I’m grateful for each extra minute I have with you. There’s no pressure, no expectations. I want to spend every moment I can with you.”

  Taking a deep breath, I responded, “Okay. I’m not good at this.”

  He countered, “I think you’re perfect at this.”

  I gave him a small smile, and he put the truck back in reverse. He drove to his condo across the parking lot. We made our way up to the door, and my mind was in a haze as Mark talked about our evening. I tried to smile and squeeze his hand in agreement. He probably knew I was nervous, and he was trying to calm me. My nerves were working a number on me.

  Walking into his room, he asked, “How do you want to sleep tonight?”

  “T-shirt.”

  I needed a barrier to protect myself if I was going to try to sleep through the night with Mark. Normally, being naked with Mark was more freeing, but it terrified me right now. If I was naked and he touched me lovingly, it would cause panic to rise inside me. He had the power to hurt me emotionally, and it was unsettling to give someone that type of control. He handed me one of his T-shirts, and I put it on and then crawled into bed. He left on his boxers and lay beside me, making himself comfortable. His hand drifted to mine, and our fingers wove together.

  “Thanks for trying, Sam. I like having you in my bed.”

  I squeezed his hand back. “Thank you. Night, Mark.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. I sounded so lame and not romantic at all.

  This was beyond uncharted territory for me. I was determined to show progress even if fear was starting to filter into my mind more prominently. I wanted to stay in his bed for as long as I could. I had already made it longer than last night, and that little victory made me want to shout from the rooftops.

  I took deep breaths as I lay there, looking at the ceiling, counting the seconds. Each time I would think I was getting sleepy, my mind would start running a marathon.

  What if I have a nightmare that I haven’t had in years, and he hears me screaming? What would he think? What if I can never stay the night? What if he gets tired of waiting for me?

  I feigned sleeping, and I knew the minute Mark was asleep. His hand instinctively moved up to my waist, and it caused my breath to hitch. This was so intimate.

  Would he want this connection if he knew how dirty I am?

  I can’t do this.

  I need to go home.

  But I don’t want this to end with him.

  I sat up, and Mark immediately woke up.

  “Please take me home, Mark. I’m sorry.”

  He looked at me and smiled. “There’s nothing to be sorry for, Sam. I have you, and that’s all that matters.”

  We got dressed, and holding my hand, he walked me to my door. I gave him a hug and buried my head in his chest. He smelled so good.

  Muffled, I said into his chest, “I’ll keep trying.”

  He lifted my chin to meet his eyes, and then he gave me a loving kiss. “Don’t stress about it. Sleep tight. Call me if you need anything. Thank you for telling me.”

  “Thanks for being patient with me.”

  “There’s nothing to be patient about, Sam. You’re worth waiting for.”

  The following night, we had gone to dinner, and it had ended the same way. Even after returning to my bed on both nights, I hadn’t fallen asleep until I’d received the text from Mark saying he was headed to training. I’d tossed and turned each night, wondering what would have happened if I had lasted five more minutes.

  Would the panic have lessened? Honestly, I don’t know. Is my past impeding me from moving on with my future?

  Last night, after the hot-air balloon ride, I had felt determined to stay with him in his condo all night.

  I awoke from a light sleep, and I felt panic starting to consume me.

  I had fallen asleep on the couch as we watched TV, and Mark had carried me to bed. This seemed to work best because my mind could focus on the movie and not being in his bed.

  Mark woke up. I looked at the clock and realized I had made it three hours in his bed.

  Sleepily, he asked, “Sam, sweetheart, do you want me to take you home?”

  Trying to calm down, I responded quietly, “No, I’m going to go sleep on the couch.”

  It was dark, and he was rubbing my hand. He gave me a small kiss on the hand, and I could feel him smiling.

  He started to sit up as he stretched. “I’ll take the guest bedroom. You stay in here. This is a better mattress.”

  The thought of being in his bedroom without him terrified me more. My body jerked into an upright position. “That’s okay. I can just go home.”

  He dragged a hand down his face. “I’m sorry. I’ll back off. If you want the couch, it’s yours. If you want me to take you home, I will.”

  I felt bad for being so dysfunctional. “I’m sorry.”

  His finger came underneath my chin. “Sam, don’t be sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed. I’ll take you however I can have you.”

  “I want to stay here. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

  He grabbed my hand and kissed it. “Sounds good. Let me get you some blankets.”

  I had succeeded in staying at Mark’s place the entire night even if it was on the couch, but I’d tossed and turned all night. My body would yearn for him when we weren’t together, but my mind would always step in and be the voice of reason, saying I was too messed-up to deserve him. The two needed to get on the same page before I lost too much more sleep. I was considering medicine to help me before I became an insomniac.

  Edna was a godsend. She’d helped me keep it all in perspective. I had gone to see her a couple of times this week.

  Yesterday, after going on four days, including the night of the picnic, with limited sleep, I had traipsed through the deli doors, and I practically collapsed on a table.

  Edna came out in her little blue gingham apron. “Get in here, missy. We have some cookies to bake.”

  Dragging my ass, I headed into the kitchen for cookie therapy.

  “So, what’s the matter? You look like someone stole your puppy.”

  Leaning on the counter, I absentmindedly stirred some sifted flour. “Mark has been asking me to stay at his place, and I only make it a little while before I panic and leave.”

  She pulled a few more ingredients out of the cabinet. “How long did you make it the first night?”

  “The night of the picnic, I had to leave the moment I woke up. I fell asleep on the couch and Mark carried me to his room. I woke up panicked and left without telling him. We had a fight, but I agreed to tell him going forward when I needed to go home. When we we
nt to the movies, I made it about five minutes after getting into his bed before he took me to my place. After our dinner date, I made it one hour, laying in his bed. Last night, after our hot-air balloon ride, I slept around three hours before I had to move to the couch.”

  It was embarrassing, talking to Edna about sleeping with a guy since I wasn’t married. My parents would go through the roof. They were so traditional that it was almost extreme at times.

  Edna was taking it in stride, and it hadn’t seemed to faze her. “Can you add the eggs and sugar to the flour?”

  Without thinking, I added them and stirred.

  “Now, add the vanilla.”

  I complied and stirred absentmindedly.

  “Can those cookies be baked as they are right now?”

  Sometimes, she is crazy. Looking at her, confused, I responded, “No. They’re still missing the chocolate chips and that tidbit of almond extract you add.”

  She smiled. “But you’ve made a step in the right direction to get to chocolate chip cookies.”

  My eyes went to hers.

  “You see, any step forward is a step in the right direction, regardless of how far you still have to go.”

  A few tears escaped as I went to hug her. “Edna, you are so special to me.”

  “You are to me, too. Now, grab the missing ingredients and finish my cookies.”

  She swatted my ass with a dish towel as I made my way over toward the last two ingredients.

  I truly love that woman.

  That piece of advice was sticking to me like glue as I repeated it over and over and over again.

  I was also clinging to something Allison’s mom had always said. All we have is today. Yesterday is the past, and we aren’t guaranteed tomorrow, so live your life for today.

  That was easier said than done, but I was trying.

  I had invited Allison over for breakfast this morning. I knew there was a team meeting, so she would be alone at her house anyway. Plus, I needed to talk to her. She was such a calm force for me, and my mind was such a swirl of emotions and chaotic thoughts.

  My phone beeped as I was setting the glasses of orange juice out. It was Allison.

  Allison: It’s me. I’m at the door and taking precautions since the last two times have scarred me for life. Bleaching my brain might be required since I can’t get the images out of my head.

  Me: Funny. I’ll be right there.

  I opened the door, and she was standing there, wearing a cute little blue summer dress. She was pleased as punch with her text message. At least she was holding a steaming cup of coffee from my favorite coffee shop.

  She was giggling. “Morning, sunshine. I’m not taking any chances since you two can’t seem to keep your hands off each other.” She nudged me lovingly.

  “Morning to you, too. Is that for me?”

  I went to grab my sweet nectar, as I’d sometimes called it, but she pulled it out of my reach. I gave her a dirty look.

  “Maybe.”

  She was keeping it just out of reach as she gave the cup a slight teasing shake.

  Damn it. After living on no sleep for three days, I needed my caffeine fix pronto. I adopted my mama’s no-nonsense tone as I said, “Allison, give that to me, or I’ll tell Damien you’re inhaling caffeine.”

  “Traitor.” She playfully gave me the cup.

  “I know you’re eating basics, so I got some plain bagels this morning. Damien said that you’ve also had luck with mangoes.”

  “You’re the best, Sam.”

  She made her way to the kitchen counter and started fixing herself a bagel.

  Ah, I would crawl to the ends of the earth for a vanilla latte. I took a sip, and my body started to feel rejuvenated.

  Allison perched on the edge of a seat and started nibbling slowly on her bagel. Right before she took another small bite, she said, “Oh, I have a few updates that transpired this morning. Martin’s girlfriend can’t go to Colorado because of a last-minute photo shoot, but Martin can still come. He had to change it to a one-day trip because of some hotel emergency he’s having. Damien tried to cancel, but I threatened to tie him to the damn boat. I think Damien somehow bribed Martin to have a crisis, so it would be changed to a one-day trip. Oh, you and Martin are both on my shit list. You guys group-texting Damien about what a good idea it would be for you to take me to a strip club while he is on the rafting trip nearly sent him over the edge.”

  Allison gave me a wry look, and I laughed.

  “Remember payback is a bitch,” she said.

  Between laughs, I responded, “I don’t know why giving your hubby one hell of a time is so much fun.”

  She rolled her eyes and chuckled. “He can be a tad overprotective at times, but I love him.” She sighed and then went back to picking at some fruit on her plate. “So, how did the hot-air balloon ride go last night? I’ve always wanted to have sex in one.”

  The sincerity in her voice made me laugh again. Allison was probably a wildcat behind closed doors. However, those were details I would never need. Oddly enough, I had thought the same thing, and I’d been disappointed when we were told we had to have someone with us.

  “There was someone in there with us. Despite that fact, it was wonderful, like the rest of the dates. He held me as we watched the sunset while floating in the sky. He goes out of his way to make me feel special, but he isn’t overbearing about it, if that makes sense.”

  She smiled. “Oh, I’m sure he goes out of his way to make you feel special.” She wagged her eyebrows up and down for added effect.

  “Shut it. On another note, thanks for the coffee. You’re my fave, especially when you come bearing gifts in the form of caffeine.” I raised my cup a little in a salute.

  “I couldn’t have you irritable for the inquisition. Just wait though. The overbearing part will come. It might not be as drastic as Damien, but I wager that Mark will have his moments.”

  I took a seat next to her, building the courage for what I wanted to ask. She had provided the perfect segue to the topic I wanted to discuss.

  “Does it bother you when Damien is overbearing?” I tried to busy myself with some fruit on my plate, so eye contact wasn’t needed.

  She stopped eating, noting my serious tone, as she turned my way. “No. To everyone else, I’m sure it seems like madness, but why he is that way makes sense to me. I would imagine every relationship is completely different. I think as long as it’s healthy, then that’s all that matters.”

  I scrunched my brow in confusion. My first instinct was to withdraw from this conversation and say something sarcastic, but Allison was the safest person to discuss these matters with. I knew she would tell me the truth and not judge me.

  Pushing the lump down in my throat, I continued on, “What do you consider healthy?”

  She took another bite, mulling over my question. She was probably thinking about the wording more than the answer itself. After taking a sip of orange juice, she responded, “Healthy, to me, is having complete trust and loving each other unconditionally. You don’t start off right at that spot, but as long as you keep building toward that, I consider that healthy.”

  My appetite was gone, and I turned to her, giving her my full attention. “Do you and Damien know everything about each other? Is that what you consider trust? Does it bother you that he’s had multiple partners?”

  She mirrored my movement. “I don’t know everything about Damien, and I’m sure I’ve forgotten to share some stuff about myself. As you know, he has a bit more of a colorful past than I do. However, if I wanted to know something, he would tell me, and I think that’s where the trust lies. I don’t need all the details of his past, but before I married him, I needed his willingness to share any details. Because of Ben, Damien had to share more graphic parts of his past that I would have rather not heard about. Do I like the fact that other people know how wonderful my husband is in bed? No, but I can’t change it, and it wouldn’t stop me from being with him. It’s part of who he
is. I have his present and his future, and that’s what matters to me. As my mom always said, ‘The past is the past. It’s over and done with. Look at the now and the future. That’s where the new chapters of life lie.’”

  I allowed her words to permeate my brain. “Do you think there are any exceptions to that?”

  Her tone was gentle as she responded, “Sam, that’s just my opinion. I think you and Mark will define what works for you. I know that if I had slept with someone prior to Damien, he would want every single detail. I don’t need that from him.”

  “But do you think a relationship can last without disclosing everything?” I prayed she would give me the answer I needed.

  She took another bite. I was grateful that she wasn’t just answering off-the-cuff and that she was giving it to me straight.

  Taking a deep breath, she looked at me. “Only you and Mark can decide that. Only the two of you can decide what works and what doesn’t work.” She laid her hand on my shoulder. “I’m here when you want to talk about what happened, Sam. I’m here for you. I always have been. It might help for you to share now that you’re ready to give this part of your life a chance.”

  A tear streamed down my face, and I hastily wiped it away. “I know, and I’m getting closer, but I can’t…yet.”

  “Hey, sweetie, I’m not putting you on a timeline. Just promise me one thing even if you never tell me…”

  “What’s that?” My voice slightly cracked as I spoke. I worked to regain my composure.

  “Try to forgive yourself for whatever it is you’re blaming and tormenting your mind with.” She gave me a gentle squeeze and maintained eye contact. “The past can eat you away until there’s not much left.”

  “You don’t know that it’s not my fault.” I looked down at my knotted fingers.

  “I know you, Sam, and that’s enough for me to be certain that it’s not your fault without you ever telling me.”

  I didn’t know what to say. She loved me so much. I grabbed her and hugged her tight, and she returned the hug.

  Pushing me back slightly, she looked me in the eye. “I think Mark is good for you. When your instinct tells you to run, stay and talk it out. Okay?”