Promise Me Read online

  I now understood all of his slow movements. He had slowed it down and kept me drugged with want. Realization of what we had done had not happened until after we made love, and my heart had split in two. I wanted him to never let me go, but I knew I would never be what he deserved.

  Finally, his grip loosened, and his breathing evened out. Mentally, I sighed and slowly extricated myself from him, moving a centimeter at a time until I was freed. After the week we’d had, he had to be exhausted.

  Quickly, I went to the bathroom and slipped on my boxer shorts and a T-shirt. I tiptoed faster than lightning as I flew down the stairs to the patio door. I fumbled with the lock and ran out onto the back porch. Leaning against the rail, I sucked in air as tears streamed down my face.

  How did my world totally change in such a small amount of time? How did I let this get so out of control? How did I fall so hard and so quickly?

  It made no sense, but I knew I had to end this immediately. Only heartache was in store for me since I could never be the person Mark needed, and I would never be worthy of having him. The thought left me cold. The old me seemed lost after these couple of weeks with Mark. She was gone and replaced by someone who wanted more, someone I wasn’t familiar with.

  Where do I go from here?

  “Sam?”

  I spun around and saw Allison standing on the doorstep, holding a glass of milk.

  She started walking toward me and then set the glass down on the table. “What happened? What’s wrong?”

  I sank to my knees, facing the lake, and I started to sob. Immediately, she was at my side, stroking my back. Needing the comfort, I turned to my best friend and sobbed four years’ worth of crying that I had stuffed in the very bottom of my soul, not letting it out until now.

  “Shh…it’s okay, Sam. I’m here.”

  I worked on getting my sobbing under control.

  As I was quieting down, Allison asked, “What happened, sweetie?”

  In between unladylike sniffles, I whispered, “Mark made love to me.”

  I looked up to see her response. Her brows scrunched as she continued to rub circles on my back, which was oddly enough soothing me.

  “Did he hurt you?”

  “No.” I looked down and started playing with my nails, keeping me from making direct eye contact. “I’ve never made love to anyone before. I only fuck them, Allison. I’ve never allowed myself to be close to anyone. He’s broken through all those walls.”

  “Sweetie, isn’t that a good thing?”

  I was thankful beyond belief that I had Allison in this moment. Her motherly voice was comforting. I wanted to purge myself from all the ugliness. I wanted a normal life.

  I let down the gates that had kept me guarded and safe for so long, and I felt so exposed. My voice was barely above a whisper as I said, “Not when it makes me realize that I’ll never be able to have him. I don’t deserve him. He deserves someone who isn’t tainted.”

  “Why do you think you’re tainted, Sam? What happened? Talk to me. I’m here for you. Regardless of what it is, I’ll still be your best friend afterward.”

  She squeezed me, and I clung to her like my life depended on it. I swallowed. Part of me wanted to push the truth down, and the other wanted to extricate it from my system forever.

  The truth shall set you free.

  “Do you remember that New Year’s party you told me not to go to our senior year?”

  She thought about it and then nodded.

  I started playing with the hem of my T-shirt. “I went anyway, and I never told you.”

  I looked up and waited for the judgment to pass over Allison’s features, but it didn’t. I only saw compassion, which spurred me to continue.

  She continued to rub soothing circles on my back as I kept talking, “That night, Greg was heavily drinking. I’d had a few drinks, but I wasn’t drunk.” The tears started to fall again. The wind caused the water tracks to be cold, and I focused on that sensation as I told the next part. “The party was out in the Webster’s field near my parents’ place. I was dancing, and Greg asked for me to come with him. His speech was slurred, and he wasn’t acting right, but I went with him anyway. We went to the abandoned barn on the property. When we walked in, we started making out, getting to that point that we would always get to. We were right on the verge of having sex. I always stopped it prior to getting there, and we would get off in other ways. Greg had said he would wait for me to be ready to have sex with him. We were supposed to get married and go to college together. I didn’t want our first time to be in a dirty barn. It didn’t seem like him because he’d said that when I was ready, he would make it special. I knew something was wrong with him. He wasn’t just drunk. When I went to stop our progression…”

  I took a deep breath and started again. This is tough. “When I went to stop our progression, Greg pinned me to the floor and told me he was tired of being played. He was cursing at me. You know Greg had never raised his voice at me. He was normally so kind and gentle with me. Something was wrong with him, and I wanted to leave. When I tried to stop him, he slapped me a couple of times. It was so hard that it caused me to black out momentarily. My head was already spinning from the alcohol. When I woke up, he was savagely ripping through me. I started screaming for him to get off of me, but no one could hear me with how loud the music was from the party. He was beyond drunk, nearly out of his mind.” More tears ran down my face, and my voice became thick. Having to live through this shit again was wretched. I hadn’t thought about this night in detail in a long, long time, but it would always be seared in my memory as if it happened yesterday.

  Taking a deep breath, I pushed through. “He said some horrible things about me being a tease as he continued raping me. When I kept screaming, he held his hand over my mouth. He didn’t stop until he collapsed on me and passed out. I shoved him off of me and ran home.”

  Leaning into Allison, I started sobbing as she stroked my back.

  “Allison, I promised myself I would never get attached to anyone after that night. Greg had promised me the world and then took it from me, ruining me forever. I had trusted him, and he had used it against me. After that, I was able to keep my sexual interaction with guys to sex, no feelings…until Mark. I feel so much for him, but I don’t deserve him. I’m tainted.”

  My sobs racked my body, and I thought I was going to split in two from all the hurt pouring out of me. The ugliness had surfaced, and I wasn’t worthy. Allison rocked me and soothed me until I was completely cried out. Finally, I looked up at Allison, and she had tears in her eyes.

  “Sam, being raped is a horrible thing. It would affect anyone. Sweetie, you’re not tainted, and you deserve to fall in love like anyone else. You need to go to the police to—”

  I pulled back. “I’m not going to the police. I’ve dealt…or I’m trying to deal with that piece of my life. Don’t, Allison. Mark and I won’t last, and things will go back to the way they were.”

  I understood why she wanted me to go to the police, and that was the exact reason I hadn’t wanted to tell anyone.

  She backed off. “Okay. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pressed. That’s probably why you haven’t told me all these years.”

  I nodded, trying to stop the new flow of tears.

  “You’re a beautiful person, Sam, inside and out. Don’t throw your relationship away with Mark. You deserve him as much as he deserves you.”

  I started to respond when a familiar voice, deep and husky from sleep, sounded from the house.

  “Don’t throw us away, Sam. I’m in love with you, past and all.”

  Allison and I both spun our heads around to the voice. Mark was standing there, bare chested and in his lounge pants, in the shadows casted by the lights in the kitchen. He looked nervous and pained. His muscles were strung tight.

  My palms were instantly sweaty as I asked, “What did you hear?”

  He stood there as he raked his hands through his blond hair. He didn’t say a word.
I was terrified that he now knew my dirty little secret.

  Shit. Shit. Shit.

  Allison gave me a hug and whispered, “Talk to him. Let yourself be happy. You deserve it, too. We all do.”

  I didn’t say anything in response as she got up. Part of me wanted to make her stay with me, and the other knew I needed to have this conversation with Mark—alone.

  As Allison was crossing the threshold, she leaned up to Mark and whispered something. Right on cue, Damien appeared at the bottom of the steps, looking for her. She patted Mark on the shoulder and then hastily made her way to Damien. She knew I wouldn’t want Damien seeing this clusterfuck of a mess I had gotten myself into tonight. Damien looked out onto the back porch as she pulled him back up the stairs.

  I sat there and watched Mark at the threshold as he stared at me. He slowly started making his way toward me as if I was a skittish animal ready to run, and in a way, I was. Exhaustion consumed me, and I wanted to get this over with.

  We are finished.

  There was no way he had said what he just had a few moments ago and not heard what I had told Allison. When he reached me, he held out his hand, and I silently took it while biting my lip to the point of pain. He pulled me close to him, wrapping his arm around me, and he led us off the patio and toward the water. My mind memorized the way I felt when I was in his arms, and I enjoyed these last few minutes I had with him.

  We were both barefoot, and the wet grass felt cleansing against my damp, sweaty skin. We approached a dock. At the end, a covered area had plush outdoor furniture that created a seating area. He walked us to the couch, and we sat next to each other. He tried to pull me into him, but I scooted away. I sat on the edge of the cushion, needing some distance. Being that close while he broke up with me would cause me to be weak. My pulse was hammering like a sledgehammer as the end of us approached. I wanted him badly, but I wouldn’t fight to keep him if he wanted out. He deserved to be free of me if he wanted it.

  His hand came to my back as he spoke softly, “I heard it all, Sam. I walked up to the door right as Allison sank to the floor and started consoling you. I should have let you know that I was there, but I had to know. I had to know if I was the one who had hurt you. I had to know why you kept pulling away from me when I could feel you had feelings for me. I had to know why you disappeared on me for all those months.”

  I felt defeated. My voice was barely above a whisper as I said, “It wasn’t you. I understand what you must think. I’ll save you the trouble and end it for us.”

  He spun me around so quickly and pulled me on his lap. “What the fuck are you talking about? Damn it, Sam. I’m not letting you end us like this. I want you regardless. You’re not broken or tainted. You’re perfect. I could kill that bastard for touching you like he did. A man should never get to the point that he doesn’t have a fucking clue what he’s doing to someone. I know you’re not ready to say it back, but I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for a while…ever since you came to the game last year. I knew if I waited, I would get my chance to see where we could go.”

  Tears started to stream down my face again, and I gave up trying to wipe them away. I thought maybe the first time he had said the L word was because Allison was sitting there, and he hadn’t wanted to be a douchebag in front of her, but now, he had said it twice.

  I had to double-check though before I hoped too much. “You don’t want to end us? Even after finding out how tainted and ruined I am?”

  His thumb came out and stroked my cheek. “You are the most perfect person I have ever met. I want to make love to you every day. I want you to give us a chance to find our way. I can’t lose you right after I’ve finally gotten you. Please give this a chance. You’re not tainted. You had something horrific happen to you. You’re strong, you’re courageous, and you’re mine.” His voice was laced with sincerity, possessiveness, concern, and love.

  His eyes sought mine in the moonlight, looking for my confirmation. When I hesitated, only because I was caught up in the moment, he tightened his grip on me as if he was afraid I would bolt.

  The pressure caused me to speak. “If at any time my past gets to be too much, I’ll understand.”

  “Sam, it won’t. Please don’t try to doom us before we begin. I’ll never blame you. You need to forgive yourself and allow yourself to be happy…allow us to be happy, together.”

  “I don’t know how you worked your way in, but the thought of walking away from you is impossible now. I’ve never let myself be this close to anyone, and I’m scared. I’m petrified. You deserve so much better.”

  He hugged me to him. “I only want you. We’ll figure this out together. Don’t run. Stay. Promise me, you’ll talk to me first, regardless of what it is.”

  I pulled back and looked into his eyes. He was sincere.

  Searching my heart, I looked to see if I could make that promise. I thought it through and then said simply, “I promise.”

  With that, he brought his lips to mine and kissed me slowly as if he was sealing the pact between us.

  “Will you come back to bed with me to sleep? I need to have you close right now. If staying in the bed with me makes you nervous, I’ll sleep on the floor, or I’ll hold you on the couch. I’ll do whatever you need.”

  “Mark, it’s not you. It’s me. I’ll try.”

  His thumb traced my lips, and I leaned into the touch.

  “Just talk to me if it gets to be too much,” he said.

  “Okay.”

  He stood and led me back to the house. I liked the fact that he wasn’t trying to carry me or treat me like an invalid after learning about my past. He held me close, not letting me go. I knew we weren’t done discussing what had happened with Greg. Mark must have known that I was emotionally exhausted from revealing the rape.

  After what seemed like an eternity, we made it back to his bedroom.

  The bed loomed in front of me, and my palms started to sweat again. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I can do this. I kept repeating that in my head over and over again as I got underneath the covers.

  When I opened my eyes, Mark was watching me from the other side of the bed. “Do you want to go back downstairs?”

  I shook my head. He looked like he was ready to run after me if I decided to leave. We both got into bed, and he slowly brought me to him. His movements were gentle and loving, and I started to relax.

  I wanted this. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be free of my past. I hoped my past wouldn’t fight to cling to me. I closed my eyes and prayed that I was free from all this baggage now, but I had a feeling that my past was still going to linger around and haunt me.

  “Just hold me, Mark.”

  “Always.”

  There was rustling and clicking that caused me to stir. Peeking my eyes open, I saw the clock read four in the morning. First, relief flooded through my veins as I had made it through the night in his bed. Mark had one arm wrapped around me as he continued to click away with one hand.

  Groggily, I asked, “What are you doing?”

  He looked at me and smiled sexily, which I sleepily returned.

  “I’m texting Damien. We’re thinking about canceling the trip.”

  His arm pulled me closer to his body, and I wrapped my arm around his waist. I was still reveling in the fact that I had made it through the night, and I didn’t feel panicked.

  “He says Allison had a hard night, and he wants to stay with her. I told him I thought it was a good idea.”

  Smiling into his chest, I liked that he didn’t want to leave me after everything that had happened. The truth was that part of me wanted him to stay. The other part of me knew they needed to go, and I also needed a little downtime from all of this.

  “I liked waking up in your arms.”

  He smiled and was about to say something when my phone pinged, and I blindly reached for it. It was Allison.

  Allison: Damien is going on that trip, regardless of whatever he’s telling Mar
k.

  I closed my eyes and held in my giggle as Mark’s phone pinged.

  “Damn it. We’re going now.”

  To be a fly on the wall in Damien and Allison’s room would have been hysterical. I would have loved to watch her put her foot down.

  “You guys will have fun.” I yawned.

  He leaned over and kissed me. “We’ll be back as soon as possible.”

  He got out of bed, and then a few minutes later, I felt a finger trailing on my cheek as sleep started to claim me again.

  “Sam, last night was the best night of my life. I loved having you in my bed.” He kissed me again.

  As he pulled away, I whispered, “I loved being in your bed.”

  “Sleep tight. We’ll be back soon.”

  Blissfully, I sought my pillow and went back to sleep. I was amazed that he’d treated me as if I was normal and not tainted.

  The bed started bouncing, and my best friend began obnoxiously singing a cheery made-up tune I had never heard before.

  “Good morning, good morning to my very best friend.

  You’re being a sleepyhead, and you have to come help me blend.

  Good morning, good morning. No more sleepy time for you.

  Wake up. Rise up as the day is starting anew.”

  Ugh. That was beyond annoying this early in the morning. I wished I could shoot this song like how people shoot roosters in the movies when they cock-a-doodle-doo in the morning.

  After she finished, she continued in her singsong voice, “It’s time to rise and shine. If you don’t get up, I’ll have to sing the second verse, and it’s the same as the first.”

  I mumbled into my pillow, “Good thing I’m not naked.”

  “Oh, your nakedness doesn’t bother me. It’s you being enthralled with another man to the point of nakedness that forever scars me.”

  She was giving the bed the tiniest of bounces.

  Damn, I want to push her off.

  She was laughing, and she knew she was irritating me.

  Swatting in her direction, I said, “I’m coming, I’m coming. Please don’t sing that song again.”