Domino Effect Read online

  I let out a deep sigh of relief. As long as we had hope, that’s what mattered.

  Hope.

  That was the word I was going to tether myself to.

  WE WERE AT the hospital waiting room while Anne was getting her MRI. Nikola sat beside me with a blank look on her face. I’d canceled all our plans last night, and we’d slept over at Anne’s house instead—or attempted to. Nikola had cried all night, and I’d done the only thing I could to help—I held her.

  “Can I get you anything, baby?”

  She shook her head. “No, I couldn’t eat or drink anything even if I wanted to.”

  I stretched my legs as I held Nikola. We’d been sitting here for about two hours. The antiseptic smell of the hospital always reminded me of when I’d broken my leg as a kid. I’d fallen out of the tree house that I’d built with my brother and my dad.

  My phone vibrated, and it was my mum. We were supposed to go to her house last night for dinner. Afterward, I’d planned to take Nikola away for the weekend, up to the cabin we’d stayed in at Stone Mountain. Nikola had called me in tears, and I’d rushed to the doctor’s office instead.

  Mum: I wanted to check on Nikola and you. I’m glad you’re there for her. She’s going to need you. Hopefully, the results will come back and you’ll find out they can operate. Tell Nikola I love her.

  Me: She’s as good as can be expected. I’ll tell her and keep you posted. She’s it for me. I’ll do whatever I need to help her through this.

  I pulled Nikola closer and kissed the top of her head. She wrapped herself around me, holding me close. “Mum, says she loves you.”

  “Tell her I love her, too. I hate that we had to miss dinner last night.” Nikola’s voice cracked.

  I rubbed her arm, trying to soothe her. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll figure out another time.”

  “Okay, that sounds good.”

  From the doorway, two familiar faces came into view holding a cardboard tray full of coffee cups. Adam had texted earlier, asking if we needed anything. Even though I’d said we were fine, I knew they’d stop by to support us. Ainsley sat next to Nikola. Everyone looked tired. Late last night, I’d texted Adam with the news. He knew Anne, and he loved Nikola like a sister.

  I took my coffee and said, “Thanks, guys.”

  Nikola murmured her thanks and set her coffee on the table.

  Ainsley hugged Nikola. “My mom and I are going to bring you guys some dinner tonight if that sounds okay,”

  Ainsley sat back up and Nikola adjusted herself slightly so she wasn’t buried in my chest. “Thank you.”

  Ainsley had been through a lot with her father. He’d beaten her mom for years before leaving her. The years of abuse had led to Ainsley’s mom having a breakdown. Luckily, she’d ended up getting help at a domestic abuse center. Unfortunately, shortly after, the deadbeat had shown up and nearly killed Ainsley’s mom. Fortunately, that fucker would rot in jail for the rest of his life.

  Adam crouched in front of Nikola. He scrubbed a hand down his face and adjusted his leather jacket as he touched Nikola’s knee. “Let me know if you need anything. Ainsley and I are here for you.”

  Ainsley chimed in, “I have Livingston completely covered. I’ll look over my email and make those additional changes we discussed.”

  A cart rolled down the hall in front of the doorway. The sound of the wheels hitting the floor filled the quiet hospital.

  Leaning her head against Ainsley, Nikola said, “You go ahead and send that email to Gavin. Give him a short message about my grandmother. Just be sure to include the seasonality lifts for spring cleaning in your numbers to justify the brighter color scheme we’re suggesting.”

  I watched the exchange closely. Ainsley’s eyes lit up. “Really? Okay, I promise I won’t let you down.”

  Nikola gave Ainsley a tired smile. “You’ve earned it, and you know this project as well as I do.”

  The nurse came into the room. “Miss Kingston, would you please follow me? The doctor is ready to go over the results of the MRI.”

  Nikola stood, and I followed. “Yes.” She gave Adam and Ainsley a quick hug. “Thanks you, guys. We’ll keep you updated.”

  They nodded as we left the room, following the nurse. I had my arm around Nikola’s waist as she leaned into me. The only sound that filled the hallways was the rubber of the nurses’ shoes squeaking against the floor. This was the worst part about learning the results—the ominous march to the doors, knowing the doctor knew the answer. We didn’t say a word, but I knew we wanted to ask what the prognosis was. Please, let her be okay, I prayed Please. Nikola needs Anne.

  We made it to the large doors and entered an exam room. Anne was dressed and sitting in a chair along the wall. The hospital bed sat untouched in the middle of the room with several machines that weren’t plugged in. For some reason, it felt like bad news hanging over us.

  Dr. Grieger, whom I had met yesterday when I’d rushed to the hospital, sat on a roller stool a few feet away from Anne. Their expressions were unreadable, and I wasn’t sure what to expect. Nikola smiled, took a seat next to Anne, and grabbed her hands. When I sat next to Nikola, I got an uneasy feeling. Anne had a look of knowing about her, the way she sat back in her chair, watching Nikola closely rather than the doctor. I glanced at the doctor and all the attention was on Nikola. My first instinct was to stand and stop whatever was about to happen. It wasn’t good.

  My heart pounded hard against my tightening chest. This was how I’d felt when I lost my dad. Please, let me be wrong. Please, I prayed. I glanced up at Anne and her blue eyes met mine. There was sadness in them. Shit. I nodded as I tightened my arm around Nikola’s shoulders. Anne cleared her throat.

  She began to speak in a soothing voice, and I closed my eyes, hoping I’d wake from this terrible nightmare.

  “Nikola, I asked Dr. Grieger to go over the results with me first,” Anne explained.

  My eyes opened. Nikola started to speak, but Anne touched her cheek as the corner of her eyes began to fill with tears.

  “The MRI shows the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes, spine, brain, and pretty much throughout my body,” Anne said.

  I squeezed Nikola’s shoulders.

  Nikola addressed the doctor. “But there’s chemo, right? We can use different therapies to go after the different cancers. I read about this last night. We’ll need to find which is worst and go after it first.”

  The doctor gave Nikola a sad smile. Anne continued speaking. This had been rehearsed, I was sure of it.

  “Nikola, I have decided to not undergo any type of treatment.”

  Nikola shook her head. “No! No! No! We can fight this. We don’t want to give up.” She turned to the doctor, desperate. “Please, say you have an experimental drug to use. Something. We can’t give up.”

  The doctor gave a sympathetic look as Anne started to speak, “Nikola—,”

  Nikola kept staring at the doctor and my heart broke. Anne waited for Nikola to turn back to her. A tear slid down Anne’s cheek as she watched the granddaughter she loved fall apart.

  Nikola turned to me. “Brandt, please. Please, talk to them. I’m begging. Help me.”

  Tears were falling down her face. I spoke to her as my thumb caressed her cheek. “Baby, your Grandmama has something else to say. Let’s hear her out, okay? Let’s listen to what she’s thinking.”

  The one person I would walk through fire for was hurting, and there was nothing I could do to take away the pain. Nikola turned back to Anne and leaned into me.

  The doctor stood. “I’m going to give you guys a few minutes. I’ll be back.” He left without another word and quietly closed the door behind him.

  Anne spoke after taking a breath. She touched a small, gold heart on a delicate, gold chain. She wore it all the time. It had been a gift from her husband years before.

  Anne’s voice was soft. “Nikola, the cancer has spread everywhere. I asked what the treatments would be like, and the doctor said it would
be eight hours, several days a week, sitting in a chair getting chemotherapy. Plus, there would be radiation and mounds of drugs and monitoring for white blood cells and other various things. With the aggressive chemo I’d probably need, it would have side effects a mile long.”

  “H-h-how l-l-long are t-they s-saying?”

  Anne took a deep breath. “No one knows, but it is aggressive with how much it has spread.” Nikola started to protest and Anne held up her hand. “Sweetheart, this is hard for me, too. However, I would rather spend the rest of my days living my life to the fullest rather than hooked up to machines. I want quality, not quantity. Can you understand that? I know what I’m doing may seem selfish, but I don’t want you to remember me sick and miserable. I want you to remember me happy. They don’t know how long, but let’s make the most of what we’ve got.”

  My heart broke. There wasn’t a silver lining in this situation. There was heartache and loss on the road ahead, with nothing I could do about it. Nikola’s hands were cradling her face as she sobbed. She was one of the strongest people I knew, but this was a devastating blow.

  Anne looked at me and mouthed, She’s going to need you.

  I nodded and mouthed back, “I’ll be there for her.”

  Nikola sat up and hugged Anne. “I love you, Grandmama. I’ll support you in your decision.”

  Anne hugged her back. “I love you, too, sweetie. More than words can say.”

  We consoled Nikola as she continued to sob. Tears fell down Anne’s face as we tried to come to terms with the hand life had dealt us.

  I lay awake and stared at the ceiling as Nikola slept in the crook of my arm. Last night had been a shift of emotions, from one extreme to another. We’d stayed at Anne’s, and one minute, Nikola was angry, the next sad, and the next a blank slate. I’d been there for her but was at a loss. There was nothing I could do. I wasn’t sure what she needed.

  Everything I thought of felt hopeless and I wanted to tune it out long enough to get my thoughts together. I heard some pots and pans shuffling in the kitchen. Nikola turned, and I brought the bedspread up to cover her. I slipped out, put on my sweatpants, and pulled a long-sleeved tee over my head.

  As I went to the kitchen to talk to Anne, Nikola’s words from last night haunted me between sobs.

  “Brandt, she’ll never be part of my life or know where I end up. See me married and happy. She’ll never know if I have kids or if I’m a good mother. She’ll never know. Who will I go to when I need help? Who will I go to when I don’t know what to do? Grandmama won’t be there. My heart is breaking, Brandt. My heart is breaking.”

  I gently closed the bedroom door and padded toward the kitchen. Anne had flour, shortening, butter, and milk on the counter. She was making biscuits and was already dressed for the day in jeans and a pale pink sweater.

  She turned my way. “Good morning. How’s Nikola?”

  I went to the coffeepot and poured myself a cup of black coffee. The more caffeine, the better at this point. Taking a spot next to Anne at the bar, I leaned against the counter and took a sip. This was the first time we’d been alone since finding out about the cancer.

  “It’s difficult to come to grips with a truth we don’t want to accept or believe. Nikola is a fighter, and it’s hard for her to sit back and not try.”

  Anne began mixing up the ingredients, like she had a million times before. “I know. Going through this and accepting what’s to come…well, it’s easier knowing she has you again. Nikola is tough, but she needs to be loved.” Anne paused and pressed her lips together before she continued speaking. “I wish I was going to be there to be part of all those special moments in her life. That’s the hardest thing about all this—knowing I won’t be there with her.”

  We stood in silence as more pressure built in my mind.

  “Brandt, I don’t think I’ll be here by the time summer comes.”

  I was stunned, nearly dropping my coffee cup. Finally, I said, “I’m going to hope for the best, Anne. I’m going to hope for the best.”

  For some reason, I’d imagined at least a year—not a few months. My mind was going in a million directions and I needed to get control over it, think everything through.

  “Do you think I made the right decision or that I’m being selfish?”

  Anne’s question floored me. I tried to put myself in her position. What would I do? It didn’t take long. “Anne, I think people make the right decisions for themselves. There wasn’t a good decision in all this. There’s only the decision you think is right.”

  A sleepy voice from the doorway spoke. “I think you made the right choice, even though I want to fight. But if it means suffering, I don’t want that for you, either.”

  Anne went to hug Nikola at the doorway and they held on to each other tight. I knew Nikola hadn’t heard the comment about Anne not being here come summer. If she had, she wouldn’t be as together as she was now. I tried to remain calm, but I was a jittery mess on the inside. I needed to talk to Quentin right away.

  IT WAS MID-MORNING, and Brandt had gone into town to see Quentin. He seemed on edge. At some point, I hoped I could meet his sponsor. Eventually, I’d ask. There was so much going on now, and it didn’t feel like a good time. I also thought it was important for Brandt to have his safe place to go to when he needed to talk. People had talked in group about how some addicts liked their sponsor to be a safe place, separate from loved ones. As long as Brandt was doing well, that’s all that mattered.

  I was alone with Grandmama in her sewing room as she worked on the red vests. The comforting sound of the sewing machine gave me a temporary peace. Grandmama stopped and swiveled her chair to face me.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  My jaw tightened as I tried to keep my emotions in check. I needed to be strong. “Are you scared?”

  Grandmama got up, adjusting her pale-pink sweater, and sat on the edge of the daybed. A slight drizzle began outside.

  “I’m scared of the unknown and of leaving you. But death is a part of life. I’m grateful for being blessed with a wonderful marriage with your grandfather. I’m grateful for my son and that he brought me you. You and I have always been connected in a way people don’t understand, even when you were a baby. I’m grateful we can prepare ourselves and treasure the time we do have. Do you remember when your dad moved you to Arkansas on business?”

  I nodded.

  “When my time comes, it’ll be like I’ve moved. We’ll have our dreams. We’ll have the sunsets and the sunrises we’ll both be able to see. We’ll always be connected.”

  Blinking a few times, I kept the tears at bay. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too, sweetie. There’s something else I want to talk about.”

  I hesitantly responded, “Okay.”

  Grandmama patted my leg and picked off a piece of fuzz that had stuck to my sock. “I don’t want you to stop living your life, Nikola. I want you to come around, but don’t put you and Brandt on hold for me. You two are both still finding your way, and it’s important that you guys don’t put that on the back burner.”

  “I’ll try, but it’s hard to not want to stop everything and be here every second.” The thought of leaving this house was hard when all I wanted to do was stay.

  She patted my leg. “I know, Nikola, but you can’t. I plan on living life the same until I have to change what I’m doing. There will be plenty of time for you to take care of me. Please, reschedule dinner with Brandt’s mom. Don’t put that off. She was like a mother to you. Also, I want you to go to Brandt’s place tonight to spend some time with him, alone. Promise me.”

  “I promise.” I grabbed my phone from my pocket and she smiled. “Do you think it’s bad Brandt and I have gotten back together so fast?”

  She thought about it, taking her seat at the chair. “When it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. I don’t think you can put a timer on it. Despite the time apart, you and Brandt have a strong history that’s full of love. I think
what you’ve gone through has only strengthened what you have.”

  “I feel the same way.”

  Grandmama swiveled back to face the wall. The sewing machine started again.

  I texted Brandt.

  Me: Hey, I still want to do lunch or dinner with your mom this week. I’d also like to go to your place tonight if that’s okay.

  Brandt: Okay, I’ll text Mum. She’ll love that. Only if you’re sure about coming to my place. I’ll pick you up in a few hours if that sounds good. As long as I’m with you, I don’t care where we are.

  Me: I want to. I can’t wait to see her again.

  “I’m going to make a sandwich. Do you want anything, Grandmama?”

  She continued to sew, saying, “No, I’m good.”

  I made my way down the hallway. Her words made me feel better, and the horrible situation didn’t feel as dismal as it really was. Pulling out the bread, ham, lettuce, tomato, and mayo, I started making my lunch as my phone rang.

  I answered without looking, “Hello, this is Nikola.”

  A warm voice came on the other end. “Hello, Nikola. It’s Gavin England. I received Ainsley’s e-mail, and I wanted to let you know how sorry I was to hear about your grandmother.”

  “Thank you, Gavin. I appreciate it. It won’t affect the deadlines or my work, I wanted to assure you of that.” I discarded my lunch-making efforts and tried to focus, not knowing if the account was in trouble.

  “Nikola, I know that. I’ve seen your work, and you’re brilliant. Once we get through this project, we’re going to have to celebrate. A night on me. You and Ainsley can bring your significant others and I’ll bring my girlfriend. I believe we’re going to make a difference, and I’ll have you to thank for that.”

  Gavin was a gentleman and had been on every call. He was one of the most polished businessmen I’d dealt with in business.

  “Thank you, Gavin. That sounds great.”

  “Wonderful, Nikola. I’ll review the e-mail and get back to you on challenges.”