Dissipate Read online

  Closing the lid to the pizza, I sat back. “That sounds fun. While you’re at work, I’m going to get to know the area better and explore. Thanks again for dinner.”

  “You’re welcome. It’s the least I could do for my new roomie. Oh before I forget, let me get you a key.” Brooklyn popped up and headed toward the kitchen. A drawer opened and closed before she reappeared with the brass key held out front. “Here ya go.”

  “Thanks.” Holding the brass key felt monumental. It was my first home in this new place.

  Getting to her feet, Brooklyn grabbed our plates. Following her lead, I picked up the ketchup and pizza and followed her into the kitchen. Sliding the plates into a machine that looked like it cleaned dishes, Brooklyn called over her shoulder. “Why don’t I help you get sheets on your bed and your stuff put up?”

  “That’d be great.”

  We headed for the upstairs as Brooklyn snapped her fingers. “Oh, I almost forgot. In thirty minutes, I need to go help my brother with something. Do you want to come or stay here?”

  Brooklyn was kind and truly trying to be a friend it seemed.

  As the food settled, exhaustion set in. I had a headache as my mind was never able to simply rest. The thought of using my brain to try and fit in had me wanting to cry. Last night, at the shelter, I hadn’t slept. I needed quiet. “I think my long trip is finally catching up with me so I’m going to pass on heading out if that’s okay.”

  Not a lie.

  “I totally understand. Let’s get you settled.”

  Going upstairs, we sorted through all my new stuff; towels, toiletries, sheets, comforter, and clothes. Brooklyn had more energy than I could process. There were more events happening in the next week than I could comprehend, more tips than I could fathom remembering, but she was a positive force of energy I desperately needed.

  Clapping her hands together, Brooklyn announced. “This place is officially coming together. I love it.”

  The comforter was a pale green with light purple flowers. It had been on clearance at Walmart for ten dollars. It wasn’t much, but it was mine.

  Pride filled me that within forty-eight hours of arriving, I had a place to call mine. I was surviving. “I love it. Thank you . . . for everything.” An involuntary yawn came from my mouth.

  “You’re so welcome. I’m going to head over to my brother’s.”

  Brooklyn walked to the door before I remembered to ask, “Is it okay if I give you the money for rent tomorrow after I go to the bank?”

  Turning back, she lifted her hand loosely and swiped her palm in a not-a-big deal gesture. “Of course, that’s totally fine. I’ll see you in the morning. Night, Kenzie.”

  Brooklyn bounced as she left and closed the door behind her. I sighed and looked out the window. An ingrained instinct took over as I momentarily panicked at not seeing the candle burning as dusk had come and gone.

  Placing my hands to my temples, I spoke aloud to myself. “You’re not at The Society. You don’t have to burn the candle.”

  Changing into one of the two pairs of pajamas I now owned, I crawled into bed with the one pillow I had bought. The smell was as foreign as it had been last night, lacking the familiar vanilla scent of my old home. Silent sobs racked my body as I let the emotional damn bust. I cried for all I had lost—my mom, my best friend, my home, and my way of life.

  THE DAY TO find out how I scored on the test dawned. With sweaty palms, I traipsed up to the building that had the answers to my immediate future. I prayed that the test results came back favorably and I’d be able to attend school here.

  The breakfast I’d eaten seemed heavy in my stomach even though I’d only had dry cereal from a bag that was cheap at the store. Brooklyn had offered for me to eat any of her food or use her milk, but I couldn’t impose on her like that.

  I was thirty minutes early. If I didn’t pass and get accepted, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.

  Making my way to the front desk, Brooklyn sat behind it. As soon as Brooklyn hung up the phone she grabbed something and raced around the desk. “The results came early! Open it!”

  A thick envelope was shoved at me and I wanted to open it in private, for fear of rejection, but Brooklyn stood there smiling expectantly at me. Not having the heart to tell her no, I ripped open the envelope.

  Before I could read what it said, Brooklyn jumped beside me. “Oh my, you got a thirty on your test! That’s incredible! Kenzie, they’re giving you a seventy-five percent scholarship!”

  I couldn’t help it as I joined in on the jumping. “I’m going to college! I’m going to college!”

  “You’re going to college!”

  The excitement sent a huge wave of relief through me. I had a purpose.

  “Girls! Please, keep your voices down. There are meetings taking place.” A stern voice broke our crazy behavior.

  My heart seized and the blood drained from my face for fear of messing up. Rules were not to be broken. “I’m so sorry,” I muttered and cast my eyes downward. The motion was how we showed we were penitent in The Society.

  The older woman in a business suit gave me a soft smile as I chanced a glance at her. “It’s okay. Congratulations and welcome to the University of Arkansas.”

  “Thank you.” My voice was respectful and back to normal volume, but the smile broke free on my face. I’d done it! I’d gotten into college! The first thought was to run and tell my mom, but she was gone. Because of mom’s foresight, I’d been able to pass the test. I wanted to bring the test back up to read it again to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. As the lady returned to her office area, Brooklyn and I looked at each other and quietly giggled. So much pressure was removed from me in that moment and seventy-five percent of my tuition was going to be paid.

  I was about to leave, when Brooklyn grabbed some books. “Okay, before you leave here, let’s get you registered and fill out all the paperwork for classes. You can go to the administration office to get your ID and class schedule finalized once we get it all selected. I work with someone at the advisors office who can help over the phone. Your scholarship covers seventy-five percent of tuition and five hundred dollars in books per semester.”

  My head spun.

  “I don’t know how I can ever thank you enough for helping me with all this.”

  Throwing her hand up as if it wasn’t a big deal, she responded, “I think you’ll probably be helping me with my homework based on those scores.”

  “I doubt you’ll need my help, but thank you and of course I will help if I can.” I was going to be lucky just to survive here with all that I had to learn.

  We looked at all my choices and I focused in on the task at hand. Finally . . . there was something worth smiling about.

  IT WAS AFTER two when I left the Admissions Building. I was now registered, had my class schedule pending professor approval, and an appointment tomorrow to meet officially with an advisor.

  Everything had been done over the phone with Brooklyn’s help except I needed one more government ID. Hopefully, the bank had one of the required documents on the list to finish registering.

  For now, I was going to be an undeclared major until I was able to understand all my options. Apparently, your first semester was what they called core classes and everyone had to take them before you began to take degree specific ones.

  There was so much to still do. My scholarship covered the majority but I either had to apply for financial aid or determine if I had enough cash. Meeting with the advisor would bring about all those decisions.

  The bank was my next destination to see what all my mom had left me. Mentally, I kept going over the lists of what I still needed to do in my head when I was slammed into from the side.

  “Ahh!” I tumbled to the ground and yelped.

  “Are you okay? Shit, I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you.” A deeper, warmer voice full of concern talked to me.

  The hit had been hard. It took me a minute to get my bearings as I was hoisted up by a strange
r into a standing position. I brushed myself off. “It’s okay. I’m all right.”

  Glancing up, a black-haired blue-eyed guy stared back at me. His hair was slightly long but looked artfully done. That was something else that took some getting used to. At The Society, men kept their hair short. Looking at me with concern he put his arm on my shoulder. Instinctively, I pulled away. Matthew had been the only male to touch me there. Matthew.

  The stranger stepped back. “I didn’t mean to startle you. Are you sure you okay?”

  “I am. Thank you.” Securing my strap, I went to start walking, not knowing what else to say. It was ingrained that only minimum conversations should take place between women and men unless they were your intended or spouse.

  Stepping in my path, he kept talking. “I’m Aiden.”

  He gave me a full smile. There was something inherently gorgeous about him that had me wanting to take a second and third look. I refrained from ogling.

  The way he looked at me had me flustered. I was barely able to get out, “It’s nice to meet you.”

  “You too. I’ll see ya around.”

  His name was called from the distance. Aiden walked backward. He had that same shaped ball that was pointed on two ends that I’d seen yesterday. Giving me a quick wave he turned and threw the ball to his unsuspecting friend. A small giggle escaped me. Aiden glanced back my way and gave me a wink. Realizing I drew glares from girls from about thirty feet away, I left.

  The last thing I wanted to do was to make any enemies and those girls were clearly marking their territory. Now, it was time to get to the bank that was about a thirty-minute trek.

  THE SUN BEAT down on me and I was glad I had my water bottle. Wearing shorts was the way to go. The black stifling outfits The Society mandated were suffocating in the heat.

  Finally, I made it to the glass doors of the big gray building that read First National Bank. Walking in, I was greeted by an elderly man in a suit. “How may I help you?”

  “I’m here to get into my safety deposit box. The number is one-five-eight.” I hoped that was how I was supposed to say it.

  He nodded. “Right this way. Let me look it up in the computer.” Sitting in the chair he quickly typed over some keys before addressing me again. “It looks like there’s a special note that only a birth certificate is required to get in. Did you by chance bring that?”

  Bringing my backpack onto my lap, I retrieved the document from the inner pocket. “Here you go.”

  “Perfect.” More clicking happened.

  Then, he stood and walked toward a massive metal door. I followed.

  Using a key to open a gate that had bars on it, he gave me further instructions. “I’ll need you to sign two forms in the safe, then we’ll get it unlocked.”

  The safe was massive and filled from floor to ceiling with all sorts of box sizes. A card was placed in front of me on the desk along with a note binder. “Miss Brooks, please sign in these two locations.”

  At first, I started to sign Sarah, but quickly recovered. A lifetime ingrained habit that had been a lie. I mentally scoffed as the truth became a murky mystical thing I once remembered being something pure.

  Heading over to the box, I followed the banker’s lead and put my key in the empty slot. Turning them both, the door came open and my insides tightened with nervous anticipation. The sound of the sliding of the box reminded me of the belt straps running underneath my mom’s coffin.

  Mom. The real her was in the box. What all had been a lie? What all had been the truth? I was scared of what that answer would be.

  “I’ll leave you in here Miss Brooks. Let me know if you need anything.”

  The banker stood there and I realized he was waiting for a response. To keep my hands from shaking too much, I fisted them. “Yes, yes. Of course. Thank you again.”

  He left. A lump fully formed in my throat as my fingers shook, inching their way to the lid.

  Deep breaths expelled from my body. “You can do this, Kenzie. Whatever is in the box . . . you can handle it.”

  Lifting the lid, there were several flat discs that I had no idea what they did. Upon closer inspection, the first disc was labeled Kenzie and David at the Beach. The next disc read Kenzie’s First Birthday. Were these memories of my mom and dad—together?

  An envelope piqued my interest that had my name printed on it. Hastily opening it, I saw there was a Social Security Card and a letter. Seeing the Social Security Card lessened my anxiety as now I would have the necessary documentation to finish registering for college. It was one of the approved government ID’s I could use.

  Sitting in the chair at the table the box was on, I read the letter.

  My Dearest Kenzie,

  If you are reading this without me, then something has happened to me at The Society and I thought it important for you to leave. I can’t imagine what, but nevertheless something has. We’re about to embark on a journey together that’s going to allow me to raise you and be your mom.

  With your father passing, I’m lost and can’t find solid ground. Money is running out and I can’t bear the thought of sending you somewhere to be cared for while I barely make ends meet. We only have six months left before we run out of money. Any job I’m able to find can’t even cover the daycare costs. Since I haven’t been working, my teaching certificate expired and there isn’t time to renew it. I have no family, no way to support us, no hope left for survival.

  A man named Jacob approached me the other day while we are at the park. Jacob promised me a life without worry. There are no financial burdens, as The Society takes care of themselves. I’m getting the chance to raise you and be with you every second of the day. The rules are strict where we’re going, but I’ll have you with me.

  I’ve been given three days to get everything in order. I’ve sold everything we have and we aren’t allowed to bring anything in to The Society; but in case we leave, I wanted to preserve some of our memories for you to have. It was hard getting rid of most everything, but The Society requires that no ties be left. Hopefully, they don’t find out about this.

  I love you Kenzie with my whole heart and know that I’m choosing this path so that you can be safe.

  In this box, you’ll find DVD’s of our family. Some of my favorite pictures of us, our wedding rings, and some cash is also included. It’s close to five thousand dollars. Hopefully that helps. There is a necklace your father gave me that I’m going to try and sneak into The Society along with a couple of other things. I can’t bear to be without a piece of your dad. He loved us so.

  I have no idea what’s going to happen, but I feel like this is my only choice—for now. Helplessness is not a feeling I enjoy and I now realize how much I depended on your father. He was my true north.

  I know that whoever you’ve become, I’m proud of you. I wish I could go on and tell you everything, but I’m running out of time. The decision was swift and has left me little time to prepare for this backup plan. It’s late and I have to get this to the bank early before the Keeper comes to pick us up tomorrow evening.

  Know this—that I love you with my whole heart and everything I’ve done, though it may seem selfish, was for your well-being.

  Love,

  Mom

  Picking up one picture, I looked at the back first to make sure who I was looking at.

  Turning over, I sobbed as I saw my dad. I’d gotten my red hair color from my mom as he had light-brown hair and dark eyes. I ran my thumb over his face that adoringly looked at me while helping me stand on a plaid picnic blanket in some sort of frilly dress. This was the face I’d seen in my dreams from time to time. This was my dad. My dad. It was evident my dad loved me and in this moment I wondered why life had to be so cruel by taking both my parents from me.

  The banker came to the door. “Is everything okay, Miss Brooks?”

  Hastily, I wiped away a tear. “Yes, Yes. It is. I’ll be out in a second.”

  I needed to get out of here.

  MA
KING IT BACK to the apartment, I went to my room and sat on my bed, expelling a rush of air. It was after four, which meant I had little time before Brooklyn came home. Quickly, I grabbed out the envelope of money and retrieved four-hundred dollars for my rent. I’d have time later to count what I actually had and make a plan.

  Having never had to worry about buying things, the money in the safety deposit box would lessen the heavy burden I’d been carrying since leaving The Society until I found a job.

  There was only so much I was able to process with the overwhelming emotional disaster I felt like I was becoming. Keep it together a little longer, Kenzie. Just a little longer.

  My eyes searched for a good hiding place in my sparse room. The sparseness was comforting in some ways as it reminded me of my place back home. Under the mattress would have to do until I could get an account. The bank had given me a brochure on checking accounts which seemed like a viable option. I needed time to research before I made any decisions.

  After hiding the money, I looked back in the backpack. The pictures and discs had tears pricking the back of my eyes. I’d had a loving family. Gaining pieces of my dad helped in the wake of Mom’s passing.

  My dad.

  The sound of the door opening downstairs moved me into action without thinking. I pulled out the photos, sat my bag on the floor, and got underneath the pale green comforter. I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone and needed some time alone.

  My shoes were still on and hopefully Brooklyn couldn’t tell. Slowing my breathing down, I waited as I heard my name being called. The sound was distant but drawing closer.

  “Kenzie, are you home? I thought we could go get some ice cream to celebrate.”

  I remained silent.

  “Kenzie?”

  Brooklyn’s voice was closer and a light tap on my door sounded. Even breaths, Kenzie. My door creaked open, then shut a few seconds later. Remaining still, I laid in bed making sure I was alone.